Email therapy

I wake up to live yet another day which isn’t any different from yesterday or the previous days. Nothing seems to be changing. It’s as if I’m standing in the middle of a storm yet my life is spinning in slow mode. I wake up to read a bible verse I don’t understand, yet I do it anyway because somehow I’m guessing it would make my day better. I wake up to the same voices in my head telling me “you aren’t good enough and you keep proving it each everyday” and I believe that voice so I go back to bed and sleep. Being awake is torturing. Once my eyes can’t take any more sleep, I try to watch something to distract my thoughts. Most of the time, it works and other times, halfway through the movie I’m already balling my eyes out when I realize I’m only watching this movie because I am trying to distract myself. Feeling completely defeated by my thoughts, I decide to entertain them. I write this long email to myself about everything that’s coming to my mind.. all the hateful thoughts I’m directing towards myself, I pour them down in that email and send it. And then now I open it and read it back to myself. When I read it again this time, it’s not as painful as it was when I wrote it. Which made me resize that the things we don’t talk about hurt more and they hurt less when you let them out. I read this email again and again and then I tell myself “the next email will be better” and that’s a challenge. And it always becomes better. So if you are depressed, anxious, scared or something, write your self that email or text message, chat to yourself. It’s the cheapest therapy you can get in the moment. Or write me an email if you get tired of talking to yourself: emvulahelena@gmail.com

Until then…

Stay safe, I love you ❤️

Maybe

I know your heart is bruised and torn,

Happiness and laughter is long gone.

Your soul has become so weary

Existing has become so scary

I know you are tired from running,

Fleeing your pain but it keeps coming

Sitting in the corner feeling your tears drop

Gasping for air, begging the pain to stop

Maybe we will never have tomorrow,

Maybe the sun will never rise.

Maybe there’ll always be sorrow,

Maybe joy comes at a price.

Happy international teachers day!

Lessons I learnt in the teaching profession:

Be observant

If you are coming to a new place, the first thing you should do before making friends is stay alone and observe people. Keep to yourself and avoid hanging out with your colleagues as far as possible until you are certain y’all can vibe. You can still have a good professional relationship without having to befriend them. Observe people’s characters from what they say, how they interact with others and what they say about others to you. You’ll have snitches at your work place so watch out for those. Be vigilant and look out for yourself more than anything. Always try to seem too busy for chitchats. If colleagues are going out, make excuses to miss out because best believe they are going to gossip while eating and drinking out.

Do not talk about your boss

Do not engage in conversations which include gossiping about your boss. Let them talk, do not contribute. The relationship with your colleague and your boss might not be the same as yours and the boss. Remember that you are new and you need to prove yourself to your boss especially for jobs that start with probation.

Be kind

Be kind, offer to help as far as possible. Make yourself available for any services to be offered. You will earn a good reputation trust me. Offer to carry those boxes for your colleague, offer to supervise any activities if no one is willing. Volunteer as far as possible. Greet people. Always greet people with a smile even if you are having a bad day. Be kind to the janitors too. Make small conversations but nothing too deep. Smile when you meet your colleagues in the hallways.

Person issues

Do not talk about your personal issues with colleagues until you are sure you have established a friendship. Colleagues talk a lot and they will tell you about their own problems, but listen and not share anything personal. You don’t know how much truth there is in what they are telling you so don’t take chances to put yourself out there like that. They could use that against you. Do not be personal at work. Make jokes of whatever contemporary issues are going on but do not talk about what’s going in your life.

Politics

Conversations about politics are everywhere even at work places. Do not engage. Do not reveal what political party you belong to, do not air your views because you don’t know who’s politician’s relative or friend you will be offending once you start bashing the other political teams you don’t support. At the school that I work, there’s a whole diversity of people. Almost every Namibian ethnicity group is represented at my school so it’s very important not to make tribal jokes or assumptions about other tribes. I know this is not related to politics but I just have to put it out there that if you are new you can’t be the same one joining on the tribal jokes. If your colleagues call each other nicknames do not join in to call them those nicknames as well. They aren’t for you.

Stay off your phone

Being on your phone at work does not give a good picture unless your work requires you to work with your phone. Even during lunch breaks try to limit the amount of time you spend on your phone. Spend time trying to seem busy, let your boss think you prioritize work more than your personal life even if that’s not so. Avoid phone calls unrelated to work. Also, block your superiors, boss, colleagues on your social media especially WhatsApp status. Let them have that professional image of you and only that. Mind what you post on social media as well because your boss could be your follower. Avoid taking pictures at your workplace so often.

Follow the rules

Should have been number one. Follow the rules to the letter. Dress appropriately even when others don’t. Follow the timetable given. Do everything by the book. Do not listen to the legends at your work place who now come late because they have all the excuses in the world. For recommendations sake, impress your boss by following the rules. You can’t get it right all the time but when you don’t, apologize genuinely and promise to change. Learn to ask for clarity where you don’t understand. The bosses love to engage in conversations where they have to exercise their knowledge and expertise. They love to brag about how much they know about their work so ask them even about things you know just to give them the pleasure of talking about something they love. Ask about your work policies, how they feel about the changes happening with the circulars especially with this COVID19 Pandemic. These are the conversations you should be having with your boss. Let them air their views and you listen.

Have fun

The most important thing is to make your time at your job worthwhile. Enjoy the little extravagant activities the job offers, the little birthday celebrations and every fun activity your job offers. Take pride in your work, speak highly of your work and enjoy every bit of it. All work and no play will kill you. I work with kids there’s always something to laugh about because kids are such beautiful human beings.. I try not to get attached to them but they don’t make it easy for me. Today one of them gave me a teachers prayer that I’ll laminate and keep forever . It’s these little things about my work that I enjoy!

Happy International Teachers Day! ❤️

Checking in..

Hi Beloveds❤️

So here I am, and this is probably my 100th draft. I’ve been trying I write but my headspace won’t allow. I’ve been typing and erasing what would have been great blog posts but because my mind chose to be negative, I deleted. Things have been hard on my end, I’m not gonna lie. Just when I thought they were getting better, they escalated for the worse again. My life has been in shambles and I couldn’t find the reset button. I’ve been drowning in negative thoughts and I couldn’t be as productive as I would have loved to be. At least through the chaos I still have a job which kept me distracted 6 hours of the day. I’ve been making decisions I wake up regretting, saying things I would never have in my right mind utter, projecting my pain onto innocent people instead of dealing with it. I’ve been in a very dark place and I’ve tried so hard to convince myself and everyone else that these reckless decisions are the new me. Life has been really crazy and I wasn’t ready. Everything started to happen so fast, I keep rescheduling my crying sessions because there’s no time to cry or think about what I’m doing. It’s tiring trying to stop yourself from damaging yourself, hurting yourself just to please people, forgetting who you are just to fit in crowds. I’ve done worse things within a short span of 2months and these are things I swore to myself to never do in a million years. It’s crazy how in the moment, you don’t realize you are backsliding, you shut down your inner voice and listen to the crowd. I’m not blaming the crowd though, they were being themselves and I wasn’t. They didn’t point s gun to my head to do anything, I did willingly. I purposely chose to shut down my thoughts and just live in the moment. It’s been crazy but hopefully I’ll have my self back. And I will start writing again…

until then, I’m still healing from my mistakes…

Ways to remain calm during this pandemic

With the COVID19 pandemic going on, everyone is freaking out like crazy. Everyone is scared and afraid they are next. Cases are increasing on a daily basis and deaths aren’t stopping either. It’s a scary time to be alive. I too have lived this nightmare as much as everyone. I’ve dreamt of having it and waking up sweating and crying, I’ve family members who have it and on top of that, I’m working from home because a colleague tested positive from COVID19. Being scared and anxious won’t stop the virus from spreading so here’s a few tips that help keep me calm during these dark times.

1. Focus on the positive

Focus on what’s going so well. With the COVID19, I focus so much more on the recoveries rather than the new cases. Believe that if other people are recovering then maybe one day, we will all be CORONA free.

2. Pray

This should have been the number one thing on the list. Pray for calmness, give it to God and rest. You are afraid, you are anxious, depressed and so much more. Place all your burdens onto HIM because He cares. I’m Pray without seizing!

3. Calming activities

Breathe, work out and relax your body. Read, meditate, listen to music, watch a movie, do puzzles and games, write and relax your mind. Distract yourself with the things you love doing, as long as you are being safe. Personally I clean a lot, watch movies and listen to music all day. And I also love to dress up and just take fun pictures around the house.

4. Talk

Communicate your feelings of depression, fear, anxiety etc with your therapist or someone you trust. Vent to someone because it will release some tension off your body. Talking about it makes you feel you aren’t going crazy for panicking and it makes you feel like you are not alone in this fight. For people like me who have trust issues, write yourself emails as if you are talking to someone.. it helps.

5. Rest

Take advantage of the time you have to rest. Remove that wig, take that hot shower, throw on clean pajamas, drink your green tea, then go to bed even if it’s 2PM in the afternoon. Your body will thank you for it.

I hope these tips will help. On top of this, stay home and stay safe. By God’s Grace, this too shall come to pass ❤️

Job haunting

Job haunting

Im sad I didn’t get the call I’ve been waiting for.

I want to cry but I’m tired of my eyes being sore

Everyone keeps checking up on me out of pity

I can’t face another day without feeling shitty.

Every time I need money for stuff I have to ask

it’s more like begging and that’s a difficult task

I keep holding onto false hope

It’s the only reason I can cope.

Im losing my mind every night and I can’t sleep

It’s becoming clear that I’m the black sheep

Every chance I take leads to nothing but pain

I’m putting in effort but I have nothing to gain

-Hellenwills

Day 10

Day 10: write about something for which you feel strongly about

Miracles

I believe that God still performs miracles. I’ve seen people who genuinely don’t believe in God or the Bible and I find that really crazy because I can’t imagine where I’d be without faith. Now I’m not claiming to be so religious, holy and the perfect Christian because believe me, I’m far from that. People would look at you listen to songs that aren’t gospel songs and claim that you are a fake christian, they’ll see you hang out with people who don’t have the same religious beliefs as you and call you “lukewarm” and other offensive terms. I for one, is not moved by any of those assumptions. I believe that the relationship I have with God is real, I believe that he keeps performing miracles in my life. Let me state a few: from birth I was a premature baby who was baptized 10days after birth because no one thought I’d survive… I had a fractured bone and I was in ICU. so my dad named me “eYambeko lyOmuwa Lyeku hupitha ” which means “Gods Grace saved you.” So I keep saying I’m a miracle child and it would be silly if I didn’t believed in miracles. A lot of miracles happened with my academics. There were exams I walked out of knowing I have failed completely but God came to the rescue. Recently I got a job I didn’t even apply for and I don’t know how to explain that. God has used strangers to get me to where I always pray to be. Sometimes things may seem to be going for the worst, you may feel like you’ve hit rock bottom but trust me, the best is yet to come. God will always perform miracles in your life even if you don’t believe it. To be alive first of all is a miracle because a lot could have happened to take your life away. I’ve had days where I didn’t think I would live to see another day but by his Grace, I get to write this today.

Day 9

Day 9: share some words of wisdom that speak to you

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”

Every time I tell myself that I can’t do anything because I’m not smart enough or strong enough or any other lame excuse, I go to this script. I have done things in my life that I can’t explain how but only through God’s Grace.

“Humble yourself before the Lord and he will lift you up”

I come to this script when I do something great for someone and I wish I could share with the whole world then I remember that I need to humble myself because without God I’m nothing. I come to this script when I want to take credit for good things happening in my life, then I remember it was only possible because of Him. This script keeps me in check.

“Rejection is prevention”

Favorite quote ever. I fully believe this and every time I walked out of an interview room, every time I got that “I’m sorry to inform you” email, every time my attention in friendships/relationships was rejected, I come back to this quote for comfort. I fully believe in what’s yours will be yours, no matter how long it’s going to take. What God has blessed, no man can curse.

“If you have a pulse, you have a purpose”

Second favorite quote. Every day I get to be alive is a blessing and before I whine about how my life is falling apart, I tell myself “I am alive and that’s all that matters today.” I try to keep a positive energy and remind myself that new day, new start. It’s hard sometimes and let me tell you that I have had days when I was depressed to the point where I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t wake up I just wanted to sleep and be numb. I’ve seen some dark days where I’d have to smash things to feel better. And looking back to those days, I’m thankful I had those because you only appreciate the good days more when you had the bad ones. But amidst it all, be positive. Keep moving. You still have a purpose!

Day 8

Day 8: share something you struggle with

Sleep

I struggle with sleep so much and it’s stressful. I think the main reason I can’t sleep most of the time is because My mind is always busy thinking about the weirdest things. My eyes could be hurting so bad because I want to sleep and my body is sore from lying trying to sleep but I just can’t sleep. Most of the time I watch bible sleep meditation videos on YouTube which are like 3-5hours long. This works most of the time but I hate the fact that I’ll wake up with a dead phone in the morning. I probably only get 4hours of sleep maximum in a day. I become very productive during night time because I can’t sleep. What I hate about being insomniac is that in the morning I have places to be and work to do but if I didn’t sleep all night then I’ll be too tired in the morning to do anything and even then, even when I’m tired like that I can’t sleep. So once I finally get my own medical aid, I’ll be able to see a doctor about this because this is not a good way of living.

Day 7

Day 7: list 10 songs you are loving right now

So I am not really a music guru and I mostly just listen to one song until I get over it. But here’s a few songs I listen to once in a while

1. Simi-Duduke

2. Rude boy-woman

3. Alicia Keys- underdog

4. Mercy-chinedumo

5. Demi lovato- I love me

6. Dua lipa- don’t stop now

7. Chloe and Halle- do it

8. Sjava- umama

9. Mafikizolo- ngeke

10. Chindima- gone forever