Luderitz

I’ve always wanted to know what it feels like to live in a small town. I got the opportunity to live in a small town called Luderitz. Coming here, I only knew one friend and I lived with her for a while. Soon after, I made friends who showed me around the town.

Luderitz is quite a small town. It is a coastal town in the South and it has a beautiful sea. Luderitz is famous for its crayfish and every year the town throws a crayfish festival. It has few fish factories which have employed almost half of the towns’ population.

It has two food stores only ; OK and Spar. The clothing stores available are PEP, Akermans, Dance and a China shop. It has all the banks, and two pharmacies. There’s a few coffee shops and restaurants which have limiting menus. The town has two furniture stores only; Lewis and Furnmat .

This coffee shop sells the best pizza in town!!

All the banks are on the same street.

This is the one shop that sells ice cream

The only Night club in Luderitz. People usually pay 20 Namibian dollars to enter.

The town has about 5 primary schools, one Secondary school and one high school. There is one hospital and two private doctors practices. There’s also one field where all the sport activities of the town take place.For such a small town, Luderitz has a lot of churches, over 10 different churches.

These buildings are the private doctors consultation rooms.

What I found fascinating about Luderitz was the German architecture. The buildings are a sight to look at. Also, one thing about Luderitz, the weather is so beautiful. It is hardly ever hot.

The blue building, those are flats

Luderitz also has a dusty desert that is home to jackals, wild horses, springboks, hyenas and other wild creatures that are spotted roaming the town.

It has one famous beach ; Agata Beach that is great for hosting parties, enjoying the scenery and swimming. However, Agata Beach is not a walking distance from the central town, and taxis do not go there often. You need a private car to take you there .

If you look closely on the other side of the sea, you’ll see what used to be a prison. Some men have died in the sea trying to escape and cross over.

Beautiful sunset!

Now, let me tell you the pros and cons of living in Luderitz:

Pros:

• The weather is always beautiful

• You can enjoy the sea view and beach

• Sea food is always available and much cheaper

• Cheap accommodations

• Beautiful sunsets

• Most of the time you don’t need to take a taxi, you can just walk

• Everyone knows everyone

• Less criminal activities

• Less cars/ less traffic

• There’s a Natis office and your chances of getting your driving license in this town are very high. There are no robots.

• The town is peaceful and quiet most of the time

• I kid you not, people from Luderitz like to greet.. even when they are in their cars, they’d wave at you walking.. even when they don’t know you. If you have earphones, they’ll nod at you..

Cons:

• the town is too far, and only minibuses come here

• There’s only one way in and out of town. You can’t drive through it to go to other towns

• no buses travel at night

• The airport doesn’t operate anymore

• Less stores and the ones available are too expensive

• There’s no fun activities to do, you get bored easily

• You see the same people everyday

• It’s hard to find rooms to rent

• Few clothing shops which don’t sell clothes you like

• There’s no fast food shops like hungry lion, KFC, Wimpy etc

• It’s hard to find meat here, especially beef and if you find it, it’s expensive.

• Most of the things that you want e.g electronics, furnitures you need to buy them from another town and get them delivered there which is expensive

• No one would want to travel that long distance to come visit you

• The network is unstable most of the time

• Everyone here speaks Afrikaans so if you don’t understand or speak the language, it will be hard to communicate with people.

• The chances of you dating and finding a partner are very slim because it’s a very small town

• There’s no cinema, book stores, public swimming pools or a big park for enjoyment or even an outdoor activities that you can do.

• Most of the time it gets extremely windy, too windy for you to be outside

• There is only one club and it closes early, at 2 am.

• They don’t have many home shops around the streets and the ones available are so expensive.

• Doing your hair and nails in Luderitz is expensive

• The town doesn’t have the best medical care. E.g when you are pregnant, they send you to Windhoek to the big sonar machines. Once I had a terrible headache and the hospital had ran out of Paracetamol.

Luderitz is the town for you if you are an introvert who enjoys staying indoors, or you love the sea breeze. But if you’re an extrovert and you enjoy outdoor activities and socializing, the town has nothing to offer you.

Here are some more pictures of the town. Enjoy!

Luderitz has a port and ships and boats sometimes come here.

Break of dawn!! Pretty sunrise.

Old train. People take pictures at this spot

There is a place called the Canteen,(mind the spelling) which is basically a bar in the hotel that accommodates Navy people and it’s a great hangout spot if you want to have a drink and chill. I spent more time here. It also sells alcohol at cheaper prices.

An old abandoned Building near the sea

Random picture of a flower at a place called “Canada house”

Inside the one club I mentioned earlier.

At a place called “Canada house.” I lived here. Offers the best accommodation for less than 100 Namibian dollars a day.

📍Diaz coffee shop. They have great food and it’s affordable

This restaurant is at the waterfront, if you want a meal with a view. They also sell a variety of sea food

The town’s sports field where sport tournaments take place.

If you have made it this far, thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed seeing Luderitz through my eyes. ❤️

Style evolution

I have a tendency of getting really personal on this blog, and I intend to keep getting even more personal with my struggles, my pain, my joy and everything in between. Not only is this the right place for me to vent, but I hope you as a reader can relate to some of it and understand that life happens to each and everyone of us.

Today, I want to write about something fun and lighthearted. Wether you believe it or not, clothes say so much about a person. They paint a picture. That’s why professions have a code of conduct on clothes or some, uniforms.

I’m at a point were I think I have found my style and I’m confident in it. But it’s been a journey getting here so let’s rewind. I would describe my style then as trying too hard, very boring and now I’d say it’s comfortable and convenient.

Hair

In my grade 12 holiday, this was the first time I got extensions. This was my introduction to soft dreads or “Nubian” . I loooooved this kind of hair. Now looking back I cringe so hard.

Now I’m into more simple hairstyles that do not take lots of hours. My go to hairstyle is either fishtail Rasta or just cornrows. I also have a thing for these gold-ish braids.

Accessories

Since high school I’ve always worn these kind of necklaces. My wrists too were also always covered in these charms and wristbands. I had quite a collection. I loved the ones that could glow in the dark.

Now I only have two necklaces which I rarely wear and I don’t wear any bracelets, only a watch.

Nails

I wore black nail polish only back then. Either that or nothing.

Now, I hardly ever have manicure but when I do it’s either full white or nude with white French tip. Always.

Pants

I wore skinny jeans all the time! I guess back then those were the jeans everyone was wearing. I didn’t own a single pair of sweatpants.

Now, I don’t want to wear tight pants. I wear lots of sweatpants and baggy jeans or cargo pants. The comfort is tops!

Shirts/tops

I didn’t really have any strategy with shirts. It was all over the place. However, I had no crop tops and guess what ? They are all I have now !

Now I just wear mostly tank tops and crop tops just because I read somewhere that when you wear something loose, for example loose pants, the other clothing should be tight for example the top. So that’s basically what I do. Big pants, tight crop tops.

Shoes

I’ve worn pumps so much that now I literally want to puke when I see them. Again I feel like pumps had an era and I just also jumped on that ship. Now I think loafers are more popular than pumps.

I went from pumps to either heels if I’m at work or boots if I’m casual. I think everyone probably knows I love love boots. I love the boots with a heel for professional look or the cowboy booots/dork martins type of boots every other day, any season.

I’d say my everyday clothes are crop tops, sweatpants and sandals/slides, or boots depending on where I’m going. I’d like to think I’m more minimalistic now with clothes and only buy staple items that I can wear over and over..

Looking at my now sense of dressing, What do you think my clothes say about me ??

Dear February

Time is  moving fast. February came and is leaving just as it came. It has been a great month but not as great as I intended it to be. I’ve lost, I’ve cried, I’ve been shattered, I’ve fallen short of God’s glory and I’ve lost my hope.. but yet again, I have learned, I have laughed, I’ve cherished memories, I’ve travelled, I’ve dined, I’ve experienced, I’ve loved and been loved, I’ve watched one of the best movies/series, I’ve worked hard when I had to, I’ve been kind to people and myself  also, I have received  and given in return.. 

February has not been a fairy tale but when has real life ever been?? It has not been a walk in the park but it was a jog.. it was not all smiles and sunshines but boy did I have happy days… it was not spent in church but I did get time to worship through songs and Bible scriptures.. it was rough because I lost so many times, fell so many times but it was glorious because I came out yet a warrior ready to take on March. 

Losing felt like the end, yet the sun rises and im still here. Sinning pulled me away from God, yet I still slept peacefully under his wings. I had expectations of what February would be like, I tried to live up to them but we both know I can only plan but God decides. So many days of February I felt weak, defeated, depressed, angry and lonely… but the biggest take from February is that God still speaks to me, I only need to listen. He speaks to me through the rising of the sun, promising me another chance to fight. He speaks through others who tell me what I need to hear to continue the journey. He speaks through the worship songs that soothe my broken soul and mend my shattered heart. He speaks to me through my consciousness because deep down there’s always that voice of his, whispering words of hope and giving me the courage to accept things that I can’t change.

February was a painful labor for a beautiful March. I believe so.

Finding fulfillment

I have a tendency of getting really personally on this blog, and I intend to keep getting even more personal with my struggles, my fears, my pain, my joy and everything in between. Not only is this the right place for me to vent, but I hope you as a reader can relate to some of it and understand that life happens to each and everyone of us.

My mind is like a treadmill, there’s always something running on it. I think alot about my life. Most days, there’s this empty feeling in my heart. I think alot about how I can fill my life to the brim. I try to think of what I need to do to feel fulfilled and sustained. Sure I know that the first thing I need to be sustained is a job because most of my needs would be met if I had a job. But I struggle to find the things that would fulfill me. Sometimes I wish I had a friend group were we go on these fun dates and trips, matching outfits, having friendship bracelets and feeling like a part of something magical. Sometimes I wish I could just take risks, fill my life with lots of adventures and new experiences… and sometimes I wish I had more friends, more siblings, but see the thing with having more people in my life is that it doesn’t fulfill me, it sustains me. Because being with people is a need, it’s not something we want, everybody needs company from time to time.

Most days I just want to unplug from the world and live inside my imaginary world, because I feel that would fulfill me. As someone with social anxiety being on my own is so peaceful. Even so, I struggle to find what is it that would give me so much contentment. Before anyone else says it, yes I have seen tons of videos of people saying they found fulfillment in the lord. As a Christian I know this to be true. I know that joy comes from the lord and he can give you the desires of your heart but the issue is what are the desires of my heart ? Because today I want this and when I get it, I want something else. I’ll be excited to watch a show and in the middle of watching it I start to think how bored I’ll be when it ends so now I won’t enjoy watching it.Or I’ll get excited to hang out with my favorite people but in the middle of all the laughter I’ll realize I’ll be leaving soon and all of a sudden I’m sad and can’t have a good time anymore.

When it comes to certain aspects of my life, I know what I want; I know what to wear, what to order in a restaurant, what to watch on Netflix, but when it comes to what I want to be truly fulfilled, I struggle. Some days I want to think that I struggle because the things I want I don’t think I deserve. I look down on myself so much that I end up self-sabotaging. Another thing that’s stopping me from finding fulfillment is fear. The fear of failing at what I thought I’ll accomplish, the fear of being watched by judgmental eyes as I find my wings and soar to greater heights, and fear of searching for something and never finding it. See the complexity of life is that there’s no manual.. your life as it is, is a mystery.. but each and every day that I wake up, I wonder if I’m getting closer to finding my heart desires or am I going to die trying? The uncertainty is scary.

What fulfills you ? Do you ever, even for a day, feel like there’s something missing in your life but you can’t quite figure out what it is ?

I am actually curious to know who else feels like this.

Sin vs law

Disclaimer: what you are about to read are my personal views and no research was done prior to writing this blog. I am simply sharing my thoughts with you so picture this as a dinner time conversation.

Abortion and gay marriages are not legal in Namibia. There has been movements, debates and protests that demand they should be legalized. Everyone has their own personal opinions and perhaps professional views why they should or shouldn’t be legalized. Now I know these two aren’t related but I think they are the most controversial topics going on these days.

Most people argue that homosexuality and abortion is a sin. Of course people who are not Christians will argue that you can’t force your religious views on people or make laws based on your religious views because not everyone shares your faith. And they are right to think so. You can not convince someone that homosexuality is a sin if they first of all don’t know what a sin is or what are the wages of sin.

Instead of telling someone what is and what’s not a sin, they should first know who God is. When someone has the knowledge of who God is, and creates a relationship with him then they will have solutions to most of the social problems we have today. When you know the truth it is hard for you to believe anything else. It is hard to be dishonest. When you have a relationship with God, and you sin, immediately you want forgiveness because you know you are guilty. It’s like not wearing your seatbelt, and there’s a police road block ahead. You know that if traffic officers see your seatbelt unfastened, you will be punished. There’s no bargaining, there’s no negotiation because both you and the officer know the law and what the consequences are for not following the law. It’s the same as you being a Christian, knowing what is and what’s not a sin and yet you proceed to drive through life until you die and God is at the traffic road block , making you pay for the sins you knew very well you were committing.

If we spend more time telling people our testimonies and teaching people about God and encouraging them to have a relationship with him, it will change their perspectives and see the bigger picture. The bigger picture is that we are just escorting each other home. As comfortable as we may get down here, it’s of no value. This is like a trial run of life to test If we are worthy of the paradise that awaits. To some people that may sound completely insane to believe in something just because a book says so. But these are the same people who believe in a law that is also written in a constitution “book” which quite frankly does not compare to the Bible.

So debates should not be about if homosexuality and gay marriages should be legalized, people should talk about what changed ? Why do we feel a sudden urge to question the laws, and what would the future look like if these were legalized? What are we truly fighting for?

Let me know what you think in the comments section.

Blood isn’t always thicker

It is a well-known statement that blood is thicker than water. It loosely translates that family bonds are far more stronger than those of friends, family is more reliable than friends in times of need. I couldn’t agree less.

If you know me personally, then you are raising your eyebrows now, frowning in confusion because I’m almost always with my family, so for me to agree less, should seem odd.

So let me clear up the confusion for you. I love my family, I’d like to think they love me just as much. But when I think of the mental health issues that I have had, all of them had been a result of my own family not friends. People who have caused me unforgettable pain in this life have been family not friends .

No one talks about how toxic family is because these are the people we love and we are afraid to call them out on their wrong doings. No one talks about how family criticizes you, belittle you, compare you to other relatives and make you feel worthless. Society warns you about fake friends but not fake family members. It’s a shame you can’t choose the kind of family you are born into, but even if you could, would it be any different??

Pardon me if I’m being too vague but a part of me has been taught to be silent and never talk about family related issues. I’ve had to awkwardly smile at family while they make offensive comments to me, just because they are family. To be more specific, I’ve had family members call me “skinny” , “too thin” , all my life and then switch up to say that now that I’ve gained weight, I’m getting “too fat” “I should not add to the weight” “I’m getting ugly because I’m too fat” and many other hurtful comments. I had never gotten such insulting comments from my friends.

I don’t even want to dive into the depression I had living with certain family members. The insults, the physical and emotional abuse have scared me for life. What’s even painful is that your parents can be dismissive when you try to tell them what certain family members said or did to you. They don’t want to hear it or confront them because it would “break” the family.

Most of the time I ask my self : what good is it, to put on a smile at family functions, laugh, take good pictures to caption “family first” when in reality, there’s so much gossip, backstabbing, abuse behind it all? Because you were conditioned to. You were conditioned to suppress your feelings and mind your mouth so that you don’t upset family members because of certain situations such as if you get married family won’t show up, or when your next of kin dies, you need them for support. So to say, you don’t genuinely smile with people because deep down you want to, but because you need to. And that in itself is toxic. Sometimes what may be coated as “support” isn’t exactly that. Family shows up to mock your humble abode. They show up to see how far along you’ve gotten in life, compared to them. They come to see how your kids are progressing, compared to their kids. And when they ask to take your unprivileged kid into their house, it isn’t an act of generosity, it’s an investment.

How do we continue to say blood is thicker when we run away from home to seek refuge with friends or strangers? How many of us want to work as far from home and family members as possible? How many of us would rather ask friends large sums of money when we need it instead of asking family because we know for a fact they would not help or if they do, the whole family will know about it. How many of us open up more to friends rather than to family members because we know they will make us a laughing stalk in their houses ? How many of us would rather work for strangers than your own family because it’s either they won’t pay you on time or they would not treat you like an equal. How many of us can openly say we would want to live with our uncles and aunts in the city instead of going to rent or move in with friends ?? And how many of us avoid bumping into family members because we want to avoid many personal questions we don’t feel comfortable answering or discussing with them? of course this is not the reality of everyone but it is for a large percentage of people.

In writing this, I hope I do not get misunderstood or have my thoughts misinterpreted that family doesn’t always stick together. Because I know to some degree it does. I for one, is best friends with some of my cousins. I have a wonderful supportive family but the reality is that family as a collective, can be toxic. Blood isn’t always thicker.

Dear future husband

Dear future husband

I think of you very often.. so often because well, the future could be tomorrow or the next day. Unlike everyone else, it terrifies me when I think of you. I am scared if I will be everything you’ve ever wanted and more. I’m scared if I won’t let my insecurities get in the way of our happiness. I am scared of compromises. I’m scared of being vulnerable because I never had to share some parts of my life with anyone. I’m scared that most of the time our house will be filled with dead silence, Boring routines and no affection to ignite our love. I’m scared that there’ll be no laughing emojis for me to hide under when I tell you I’m fine even when I’m crying… there’ll be no time to ignore your calls when I don’t feel like talking because you’ll be in my face all the time. I’m scared of the days you’ll wake up to the sound of my sobs, sitting in the bathroom floor at 2AM crying about everything even when you think we just had great sex. I’m scared you’ll not live up to the expectations I have of you in my mind. I’m scared you wouldn’t want to share bills, or enjoy my cooking.. I’m scared you’ll turn your back on me and our kids. Wait I’m even scared perhaps we won’t have kids and it would tear us apart. I’m scared you’ll never text me good morning and good night because you finally got what you wanted. I’m scared marriage will make me more lonely than I had imagined.. I’m scared you’ll always be absent emotionally and I’ll have to deal with my monsters alone. I’m scared my paranoia will get the most of me and everything you do will be annoying. Everyone says marriage is a part time job and what if I’d want to quit on my first month? year? What if your family won’t love me ? What if your friends will never come over because they warned you not to marry someone like me? I’m scared more than I am excited.

Sometimes I’m lost

Sometimes I am lost. I want to delete all my socials, start over and be a new person with a new personality.. sometimes I want to be new… like brand new. I look at my clothes and I want to burn them and start all over again… I look at my hair and I want to go bold or dye it green.. I look at my arms and I want to fill them with tattoos… sometimes I’m tired of this version of myself and I want to see which other versions I could be.. Sometimes I want to be vegan and be a plant mom who cares about the environment. Some days I pick up the tv remote trying to find new shows to watch, I try to find new hobbies outside of what I normally do.. and when I don’t succeed in resetting my life I get really depressed… some days I even question if I’m ever my authentic self to people.. like do they see me for me or am I a psychopath who sell them a character far from who I am ? I’m looking at my phone and I want to delete all these pictures just to re download them back again next week. I want to delete my Instagram just to get it again next week. I want to connect with people on WhatsApp yet I get so annoyed when they reply. It’s like I am constantly fighting with myself like.. what do I want? Who do I want to be ? Somedays I even think I’m bipolar… I do something halfway then I stop to do something else.. I can watch two shows at the same time because I want to finish them all at once and then I’ll be bored to death.. everything I do is in a rush because I always feel like I’m running out of time… When I was in the city all I wanted was to be near the sea, listening to ocean waves and meditate .. and now that I’m here I’m crying to go back to the city… I look out of the window bars everyday, looking into space trying to understand why I’m unhappy at a place that offers sooo much peace and tranquility.. like I’ve begged God to work at a place so serene.. and now that I’m here, I miss the buzz of the city. You know what’s even weird ?? I love being alone.. but right now I’m all alone and I don’t know what to do with myself.. which part of being alone do I actually like? Cos now I’m just freaked out and scared to be all alone, having no one to hold me accountable for my shit.. am I crazy ?!

-3AM thoughts

Birthday!

Happy birthday to meee 🎉

Today I turned 25 years and I feel like writing because 4 months ago I didn’t think I’d make it to my birthday. 2021 has been the most painful year I can never forget.

I have experienced so much pain until I became numb. From failing job interview after interview, broken relationships& friendships, to far more intense episodes of depression, physical pain, death of loved ones. This year, was the first time I’ve been hospitalized as an adult. It was the scariest months of my life. Days seemed longer, nights even longer… when I think of how I had to sleep on the same bed with my mother praying for me to save my life, makes me cry. To see myself even typing this right now, I’m in literal tears. I feel like I had a near death experience that opened my eyes to see life differently. The things we take advantage like good health don’t come cheap. My eyes were so fixed thinking that God doesn’t love me because I am not getting a job and getting other things that I forgot to be grateful for the great health others didn’t. Waking up to an oxygen tank made me realize how can something like oxygen be the only thing that stands between me and death right now?? And it hurts watching your body give up on you, things you could do so easily that you can’t do. But through Gods Grace, I recovered and I’m well. (Even though I was again at the hospital literally yesterday before my birthday because I have swollen tonsils 😭) I’m grateful to have made it to this day in one piece🙏🏿

Death hit me the most. I don’t look at life the same ever again. There’s not a single day I don’t think everything I do could be my last. Losing someone so close to you changes you in ways you didn’t think you could. As much I believe in God, as much I believe people go to better places, I still can’t get over loss. I can’t stop replaying every last conversation, every last text message, every last laugh… and the more I replay that, the worse I feel. Death is blind and chooses whoever but you can’t help and think “but why them?” “Why soo soon?”

Today I’m just truly grateful to God for his favor soon my life.. it is surely not because of my deeds but because He is God of mercy. I hope this year would be an amazing year filled with many blessings 🙏🏿

After God, I’m grateful for the people in my life who continue to support love and care for me. I’d have given up on my self, let the devil have his way and end my life if I didn’t have amazing people who give me hope that maybe, tomorrow will be much much better and even if it isn’t, you are only getting closer and closer to heaven with each sunrise❤️

Lonely nights

Lonely nights

Sitting on the window pane watching rain drop

Trying to catch my tears but they can’t stop

My whole body is numb and I’m unable to feel

There’s so much pain these tears can’t heal

These lonely nights are longer without you

I have leaned to self harm to see me through

They keep saying I should let go and turn the page

But they don’t know my heart is locked in your rib cage

My heart keeps beating at a faster pace

Imagining all the misery I have to face

The pain of not having you here,

Means I’m living my biggest fear

But if there is one thing I know for sure

Is that I’ll swim out of this to the shore

This pain will be a tale of the past

Because even dark times don’t last.